Author: R.V.V.Greene

Publisher: Angry Robot

Premise: A little over a thousand years from now, mankind has fled a dying Earth and founded a dozen or so colonies that now communicate and trade via sub-light Trade Ships. This wasn’t always the case, but the secret of “worm drives,” along with a lot of other dying Earth technology, has been lost. Thanks to relativity, the people who crew these ships experience history differently – while a few months may pass on a round trip between two colony worlds, twenty years may have passed on the worlds themselves. Some people live their lives on the trade ships, others work a few trips as crew and then settle on a colony world, the lives they left behind now relegated to history.

One such ship is the Hajj. Aboard, Adem Sadiq is a life-long crew member and a part of the family that controls and flies the Hajj. It is (for reasons that become clear quite quickly but aren’t exactly what they initially seem), time for Adem to get a wife. This is arranged by his family – but, because of the relativity effect, said arrangement is made before said wife is even born. Said wife is then genetically tailored and educated according to the design of Adem’s family. Enter Hisako, the co-protagonist of The Light Years.

Execution: The differing perspectives on history between those who see it unfold at different speeds combined with the designer bride idea gel together well and feel coherent. The first half of the book concerns itself with Hisako growing up, being educated, being talented, discovering that she’s a contract bride and trying to come to terms with this while the society around her creaks ever more at the seams from the constant influx of refugees from other (failing) colony worlds. Meanwhile, Adem is pootling around space in his family spaceship, noticing much the same general decline but more preoccupied with making music. Oh, and there’s a secret plot afoot and a villain aboard, both of which unfold with a sense of inevitability rather than as surprise twists, and neither of which directly involve Adem for quite a while. Eventually Hisako comes aboard and events unfold steadily towards their predestined (again, no great twists or surprises) conclusion.

Either of The Light Years twin premises could sustain an entire novel on their own and possibly an entire trilogy. It’s also a short book, and as a result The Light Years tends to touch on the surface of the questions it raises but never goes in deep. The arranged marriage between Hisako and Adem, for example: Hisako clearly had no say in the matter, Adem is largely going along with what’s been asked of him, yet they both remain largely calm and rational about their situation. The Light Years does a lot of good work setting up why they both have mixed feelings about it: Hisako might never have ever existed without it and has lived a somewhat privileged life because of it, while Adem was quite happy with his other lovers. When Hisako comes aboard, the crew (particularly Adem), fall over themselves once she’s aboard to give her has much space and freedom and agency as they possibly can; while at the same time the story never forgets that she’s had little choice in the decisions that have defined her life. However, it then largely leaves this hanging as a philosophical question for the reader rather than trying to dig into the meat of its own premise. It repeats this pattern throughout, the overall result being a sense of a lot of well-constructed questions for which the narrative doesn’t attempt to offer any answers.

Personal summary: The Light Years feels like the opening volume of a series: well-constructed concepts set up to be explored in depth in later instalments along with two central characters forced into a relationship but whom I never felt I got to know. The result for me was thought-provoking read rather than one that engages on an emotional level.

Narration: In keeping with the dual protagonist approach of the story, the audio production uses two narrators, one for Adem’s chapters and one for Hisako. Both narrators are clear and offer a ‘deliver the story’ rather than ‘deliver a performance’ approach to the narration (those who tend to listen with a high level of background noise may appreciate that delivering a ‘performance’ isn’t always a good thing). The dual narrator approach has the significant drawback that none of the background characters end up having any distinction – everything is either in Adem’s voice or Hisako’s voice. As a consequence, I occasionally lost track of which character was speaking whenever there were more than two characters in a scene. In my recording, there was a chapter towards the end that is repeated, once in each voice.

Disclaimer: This review was based on an Audible download provided for free by the publisher in exchange for an honest review.

General notes on my approach to reviews are here: Review Philosophy (03/08/2021) | Stephen Deas.

In general, I’ll try not to judge a book as “good” or “bad.” There are books I love that other people hate and books I hate that other people love, and that’s okay. Example: I happen to like the original Star Wars movie. I have a friend who happens to not. Put aside for a moment that he’s weird and wrong and there’s quite a lot we can agree on: It has spectacular (for its time) visual effects and a brilliant soundtrack. The story structure is by-the-numbers Joseph Campbell’s Hero’s Journey. The acting is somewhere between mediocre and nothing special, the dialogue is shonky (aside from a deft touch of humour), the action sequences solid but no more, the characters a rag-bag of superficial clichés with little depth (I’m talking the first movie on its own here, not the trilogy as a whole). It’s a totally undemanding movie that has no interest in asking questions or doing anything except delivering action and entertainment perfect for everyone’s inner twelve-year-old.

We can probably agree on all of that, and yet one of us likes it and one of us (the weird one with the green coat) doesn’t and neither of us is right. So my reviews, in general, will try to ignore whether I like something or not, and focus more on picking apart what works and what doesn’t, and where I deviate from that, I’ll try to be obvious about it.

For the same reasons, there will be no ratings or stars.

Narration: I consume more audio books than I consume written ones. A lot of the reviews I do will be for audio versions. I’ll try to take the same approach, but there are some specific differences. A narrator who turns in a full-on performance can transform a story but isn’t necessarily great if they’re mumbling one character’s dialogue and you’re trying to listen with a lot of background noise, or if their ability to use different voices turns in a plot spoiler when you weren’t supposed to know who was talking (yes, I’ve had this).

What gets reviewed and what doesn’t: No one needs another review of Game of Thrones. There’s an element of deliberate randomness to what I choose to read. There will likely be a bias towards SFF but that won’t be everything. Angry Robot are currently bunging free audiobooks at me, so I’m feeling something of a duty to review them. Other than that, I’ll generally always pick smaller titles over big ones because are the ones where every sale matters.

I grew up in England in the seventies and eighties. My memories of that time are of (among other things) a background noise of Irish terrorism. I lived in a conservative part of the country, both upper and lower case, and “terrorism” was universally how it was presented. A lot of people where I lived commuted into London to work. Occasionally a bomb went off. They hit train stations for a while, now and then, which is why there haven’t been any litter bins in London stations for a very long time. We didn’t talk about it much. It was a bad thing that was going on in the background. Occasionally my dad would be late home when he was working in London because of a bomb threat, but not all that often. Even when he worked in Northern Ireland for a few years, it was still background noise. It was only decades later that I put the pieces together. My dad was a chemist. His area of particular expertise was explosives (we still have some German chemistry textbooks from his days in university straight after the second world war, because back then Germany was the cutting edge when it came to blowing things up). He worked for the Ministry of Defence, for a while he worked in Northern Ireland. I’ll never know for sure because he’s gone now and so I can’t ask him, but for a while, somewhere in a lab using science, I think he hunted bomb-makers.

We rarely talked about it. It never intruded much on our lives. I was aware of it, and later, when I was older, I was aware of the causes and the grievances. My one and only point with all this, really, is that it didn’t change how we lived our lives, what we did, who we talked to, where we went or what we thought. The mantra of the times, whenever it came up in conversation, whether in politics around the dinner table, was that we should carry on as we were, keep on with our lives as though nothing was happening because otherwise the terrorists would win. I don’t know how well we really did that as a society at the time. I didn’t live in Northern Ireland, I’d heard about internment but I didn’t really know what it was; yet it seemed to me at the time, living in my rather narrow bubble as it was, that the philosophy, at least, was right. Looking back now, it seems that civilisation eventually succeeded. The terrorists changed many individual lives. The response of the state changed many lives too, and very little of it for the better, but in the grand scheme of things we didn’t fundamentally change. Thirty years on, people have largely stopped blowing each other up. The landscape is much the same, but for the most part there are words instead of violence.

In a way I have deep anxiety that we are losing this new so-called “war on terror.” This time we are letting it change us. We are letting it make us be afraid, and amid that fear we are shrinking the cage in which we live and giving away little pieces of the freedoms we have allowed ourselves. It’s an old adage in politics: fearful people are easier to control. I hope, thirty years from now, I’ll be able to look back and relax, to see that yes, we wobbled like we did before, but we got over it, and we didn’t let fear win, because fear is what lets monsters grow among us.

So look: the puppies of all various adjectives are not terrorists. They gamed the system, that’s all. And before anyone rushes to change that system, have a good long look around at all the other awards out there. The Hugos aren’t broken and they don’t really need fixing. You don’t like the slate? Go to Worldcon and vote no award. Threats of disrupting the awards for the rest of time are just that, threats. Don’t let fear or anger or outrage change us. It’s sad that people feel they have to be this way, but don’t try to shut them up and don’t try to keep them out, because that’s when some far worse monster slowly grows behind you.

The Villain with a Thousand Faces (Part Two): The One-Line Backstory

Yes, back again, so shut up and pay attention and I don’t care if you are on fire. Last time I deigned to share some wisdom on the nature of villains (antagonists, if you absolutely must) we cast an eye on the most common of villains, the cardboard cut-out shrub with no soul. These are basically the no-backstory villains who simply exist in order to rub your heroine up the wrong way and get hit round the head with an axe. Today our villains get slightly more sophisticated.

Note: again, for clarity – when I talk about villains here, what I actually mean are the antagoinists of a story – the people who get in the way of your central character doing what they damn well want. Everyone is the hero of their own story. If your hero is an angel then the demons are thevillains. If your hero is a demon then the angels are the villains.

The One-Line Backstory

Yes, they get some backstory, a whole line of it. Think of the difference! From nothing to a COMPLETE SENTENCE. It’s possible that the one-line backstory villain is more common than the total cardboard cut-out; in fact a lot of cardboard cut-out villains technically have a one-line backstory kicking about somewhere, but frankly, if your one-line backstory doesn’t actually have at least some bearing on or relevance to either the plot of your story or the motivations of your heroine, well then then WHY DID YOU WRITE IT? If your story is supposed to be about your heroine’s struggle to make a success of the small rural tavern inherited from a distant uncle with a dubious past, then relevant one-line backstories for the villain of the piece might be: “competing owner of the next tavern along the road who wants to make our heroine fail so that his own business succeeds,” or “former associate of said distant uncle with a dubious past who was involved in the same dubious goings on and thinks the tavern should be his,” or “bloke form same dubious past who has hidden secrets in the tavern that he wants to stay secret.” Even “heroine’s evil twin who just doesn’t like her,” while pretty lame, at least has a connection to the protagonist, if not to the actual story. “He’s just mean, ok,” isn’t a backstory. “He’s a demon from the 11^th dimension” IS a backstory, but unless being a demon from the 11^th dimension has some sort of relevance to either the history of the heroine or, better, the history of the uncle with the dubious past or of the tavern itself, being a demon from the 11^th dimension is actually irrelevant to both the heroine and the story and seems rather pointless and WHY DID YOU WRITE IT? I suggest that a one-line backstory that has no actual connection to the heroine or the main thrust of your story is not only a waste of time, it’s actually worse than doing nothing at all – you leave the reader trying to figure out what the backstory has to do with anything, and then they start questioning everything and picking at your worldbuilding and all sorts and it’s all downhill from there. A backstory that works, however – one that’s actually useful – fits seamlessly into the story and explains WHY the villain is the villain, why he stands in opposition to the heroine.

I have a mild OCD that means I like lists, so for no other reason than that, I’m arbitrarily going to create three categories of one-line backstory villains. Take it as read that these overlap somewhat, and there may be other one-line backstories that don’t fit into these categories, although if you find any you should keep very quiet because I don’t like to be wrong and I have a dragon.

The background-generic backstory

These are villains whose backstories are related to the global or at least general set-up of the world in which the story happens. We moved on a bit into the one-line backstory villains in the last part, with villains who are avatars of (or agents for) something else (the Big Bad, the Opposing Ideology). These are examples of background-generic backstories. They are not, usually tied to a specific individual, and there will likely be many villains at large in the world for whom the same one-line backstory is true. Hydra has many lieutenants; the Big Bad has lots of avatars; the world has plenty of avaricious slum-landlords/greedy bankers/serial killers/racist orc-haters/property developers/whatever to choose from, and the one in the story just happens to be the one with whom the the heroine crosses swords. In a story with many bad-guys, the generic one-liner can usefully serve to cover all the cannon fodder whose purpose is to show up, be humiliated by the heroine, and then conveniently expire.

The background-specific backstory

A rather more personal villain is one whose backstory is tied to something quite specific in the story’s setting. There are many slum landlords, but only one slum landlord for the tenement block in which the heroine lives, for example. There are many demons from the 11^th dimension, but only one whose secret true name which will damn them forever back to hell is hidden in a secret room in the cellars of the tavern the heroine has inherited from a distant uncle with a dubious past. A significant difference between the generic and the specific is that in the case of the generic villain, a new one can reasonably arise in place of the old with basically the same agenda and motivation and goals, whereas for the specific villain, doing so would feel somewhere between contrived and utterly ridiculous. A villain with this backstory will usually be properly unique.

The heroine-specific backstory

Even more personal. Again the villain is unique and has a backstory that sets him up as opposition to the heroine, but now it’s not to do with the world or setting or other outside circumstances, it’s directly related to the heroine herself. Something she’s done, something she’s going to to, something she’s trying to achieve, whatever it is, the villain’s opposition is personal right from the start. Arguably I should split this into generic and specific too – arguably the heroine could have done something in her past that has resulted in a whole slew of people having a personal grudge or vendetta against her (ratting out the mob, thwarting the schemes of Satan, exposing Tory party lies, or otherwise crossing some large body of organised villainy). However, that sort of generic-but-personal doesn’t fit terribly well with the rest of the argument I’m about to follow, so let’s just acknowledge that it theoretically exists, smile and wave, and then shove it back in its box; because even in the examples I’ve given, it usually comes back to one specific villain leading the charge (in fact, my favourite example from last time, The Terminator, could easily go either way, but a part of the strength of that story is how unrelentingly personal the attack is.

I’ve ordered these categories by increasing intimacy to the heroine. Different levels of intimacy fit with different styles of story-telling. If your story features a single heroine and is heavy on her character aspects, a villain who is intimately bound to her will fit better than a very generic villain. If your story is an ensemble piece with multiple heroines and a broad sweeping scope then a generic villain might fit better while a very specific villain might actually skew the narrative force towards a heroine who wasn’t supposed to steal the stage. Depends on how intimately your story focusses on your heroine(s), but matching the intimacy of the villain (whatever that actually means, but I think you get the vague idea) to the intimacy of the story will generally result in a smoother ride.

Generally. There are always exceptions. But one should only ever approach exceptions having first understood the rules to which they apply.

And here’s a proposition for you: is it possible that every memorable villain ever created can be reduced to a one-line backstory without losing their significance to their story? In fact, I challenge you find one that can’t[1]. No matter how simple or complex, subtle or blunt, that one line is a very powerful place to start, and you shouldn’t ever lose sight of it.

That’s almost it for today’s ponderous lecture. Worlds to conquer, castle to burn, protagonists to execute in inventive ways, that sort of thing. But before we part there’s a rather special cardboard cut-out villain that I forgot deliberately neglected last time and needs a little more attention: the scenery chewer.

The Scenery Chewer. What do I mean by that? Loki in The Avengers. Jeremy Irons in Dungeons and Dragons (and yes, that movie did exist, no matter how much you all might wish to pretend it didn’t. I acknowledge it for it’s dragons, which at least had a properly bad attitude, and for Jeremy Irons, who… never mind. Shut up). Alan Rickman in Prince of Thieves. Alan Rickman in Die Hard. Alan Rickman as Professor Snape. Alan Rickman in, well, you get the picture. Notice that every single example here is a movie, not a novel. That’s because I can’t think of a single novel with a good scenery-chewing villain in it where the villain isn’t actually a dominant character in the story. . . and, kids there’s a big clue for you, right there. Remember lesson one of being a *cardboard cut-out* villain (as opposed to the sort that’s actually a real person)? You exist as a foil for the protagonist. As far as the heroine is concerned, your purpose is to oppose her [2]. You are black to her white or white to her black. A good villain exists within a story just enough to define the heroine’s strength, virtue, ability to play pokemon, whatever it is that’s being tested, and no more. Their job done, the cardboard cut-out villain dies or otherwise conveniently buggers off until the next instalment. The clever cardboard cut-out villain may integrate himself into the fabric of the world somehow to improve his chances (as the Avatar of the Big Bad or the Nasty Ideology or some such), but his job is most certainly NOT to steal scenes, and that is what the scenery chewer does (and if he doesn’t then he’s not chewing well enough). So ask yourself, before your villain chews the scenery, what the point of it is? Is it a substitute for being interesting in some way that actually benefits the story? Because that’s bad, that is. Simply to be funny/cool/exciting? I suppose I won’t chide you for that, but do beware of the villain who moves from stealing the occasional scene to stealing the whole story, and for the love of Robert E Howard, don’t let him make your heroine look bland. General rule: it works in movies, it doesn’t work in books.

And yes, yes, next time I write I’ll talk about subtle, three-dimensional villains. They’re difficult and needs lots of precious thinking time. Worlds to burn, castles to execute in inventive ways, etc., ok?

This article first appeared on Fantasy Faction earlier this year. The penultimate chapter in Zafir’s story, The Splintered Gods is out in paperback now. The last volume, The Silver Kings will be published by Gollancz in June/July.

[1] I put several seconds of thought into this and I couldn’t think of any, which is good enough for me. Find one for me. I’ll secretly be impressed while my dragon eats you.

[2] Not all stories are about the heroine. More on that next time. And there are ensemble pieces. But your basic story is hero/heroine vs. villain, and you are advised to understand how that works even if you choose to move away from it.

The Villain with a Thousand Faces (Part One)

There’s been a lot of talk and discussion in these halls over the last months and years about the evolution of the fantasy hero, anti-hero, thing, whatever is the protagonist-du-jour. It’s all very interesting. There’s no doubt that a good story of any genre needs, almost without exception, a good central character or cast.

The protagonists, generally speaking, need to be characters the reader can cheer or boo for. They are, by definition, the champion or advocate of some cause which ought to be readily identifiable. Many protagonists are heroes, but not all. Some are out-and-out villains and gleefully so; but I’m not really here to talk about heroes and villains in some sort of moral sense, more to blow the trumpet for the oft-overlooked foil to the main character’s quest.

The thwarter of dreams, the denier of ambition, whether those dreams are of avarice or altruism. The antagonist. The one(s) who stand against. The obstacles to the hero getting the girl (yawn) or establishing her dominion over all she surveys (much better). It is true, I’m afraid, that most antagonists are also cast as villains, while most protagonists are cast as heroes; and I put it to you that this is the voice of history rearing its ugly head. Whoever she is, the protagonist is the hero of her own story, and the villains, frankly, are whoever get in the way. Write your motives as pure or base as you like, that’s still what it comes down to. In my story, I am the hero. In many others, I am the villain; and for the purposes of the rest of all of this, I’m going to talk about heroes and villains instead of pro- and antagonists, because “hero” and “villain” are much blunter words and I like them.

The Cardboard Cut-Out Shrub With No Soul

Villains, then. Let’s start with the easiest: The Cardboard Cut-Out Shrub With No Soul, also often referred to as the cartoon villain or sometimes the comic-book villain (a disservice to many comic books). The cartoon villain is easily recognisable. He has no personality, no discernible motivations or desires except the one that makes him the villain. There is no nuance, no subtlety, no particular effort at rationale or explanation. He is simply the villain, doing bad things, against which the heroine or heroines must pit themselves and overcome. At this point, some of you will no doubt be ready to laugh and scoff and point and jeer at the idea of an utterly shallow and two-dimensional villain. You couldn’t get away with writing a hero like that, after all.

But really? Bite back your shameful cackling and remember this: a villain serves a different purpose. A villain is there to provide obstacles to the heroine. To some extent, the depth of the heroine’s resolve is revealed only by the villainy of the villain, by his strength and power, not by how much backstory he has. Writers use these cookie-cutter villains all the time. Guardians of the Galaxy: Ronan the Accuser and Thanos. Cardboard Cut-Out Shrubs With No Soul, both of them. A lot of super-hero movies, in fact (the better villains get some personality, but we’ll come to that later). Many action stories, war stories, cardboard cut-out villains are used all over the place, all the time, by good competent writers, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with them. They can’t carry much weight in a story, but that’s sort of the point: if you want as much time and focus on the protagonists as possible, a complex villain only gets in the way. So don’t be afraid to use the cardboard cut-out shrub. I can even find one in Game of Thrones if you like (Gregor Clegane), so note that even the great Martin, antithesis of cardboard cut-out characters, still uses them now and then.

There’s a possibly apocryphal story of a convention panel where one of the panellists got a bit sniffy about the Lord of the Rings, pointing out that at least his/her villains had some sort of reason / motivation / backstory, only to be given a righteous smackdown by the rest of the panel. I don’t know if it’s true, but if anyone has any doubts as to the potential of the cardboard cut-out villain, I give you two of the most widely recognised fantasy villains: Smaug and Sauron. Free from personality and backstory [2], but do they work as villains? Hell yes. And are you going to tell me that the Terminator wasn’t a good villain? Are you going to tell me he was anything but one-dimensional? Being one-dimensional was his whole point, wasn’t it?

Yes, a story with a cardboard cut-out hero or heroine is likely to be pretty lame, but a cardboard cut-out villain can work just fine. It’s both a pitfall and a strength of this villain is that they’re black and white. Their opposition to the goals of the heroine needs to be direct and straightforward and instantly recognisable, something a reader can easily understand. The heroine must carry all the drama of the story through how she overcomes the challenges, internal, external, whatever, necessary to force a final confrontation of some sort and then either fail or prevail.

Cardboard cut-outs don’t leave much wriggle room for twists at the end – they can’t suddenly be persuaded or redeemed because things like that (to be done well, at least) require foreshadowing and some crack in their armour or beliefs into which the heroine can insert a lever, and to make that work they need to have a little more depth. Darth Vader is arguably a cardboard cut-out villain in Star Wars, but the story moves him well away from that long before the end of Return of the Jedi, and rightly so. Nevertheless, if you want a story heavily focussed on the character of the hero or heroine, you might do better to ask “why not?” than “why?” when it comes to the cardboard cut-out villain.

The Cardboard Cut-Out Avatar of The Big Bad

I was a little cheaty with my examples before. Live with it. Villains cheat, lie, and twist the truth. So do heroes, but they try to pretend they’re better than us. None of my examples were actually human, and that leads me on to another kind of villain – the inexplicable thing that threatens the heroine (or her society, culture, beliefs, blah blah whatever, just as long as we’re all clear that threatening can be anything from poking a knife at me to refusing to accept my dominion of all I survey – and from the back of a dragon I can survey a long damn way). No one considers attempting to argue or debate or negotiate with Sauron because Sauron simply IS the Big Bad. I can’t think of a better example of this sort of villain than the Terminator: it’s here to kill you, it cannot be reasoned with, bargained with, and it absolutely will not stop until one of you is dead.

The Big Bad can be aliens, supernatural forces, you can go all the way with this to volcanoes, a virus or mutating neutrinos if you like, although some of these are more or less likely to have a some form of avatar as a focal point of their villain-ness. The point is that the Big Bad is coming from somewhere so different that effective communication, even if anyone wanted to, isn’t viable, and the avatar reflects exactly that (doubts or inner conflict push our villain out of the cardboard cut-out collection and into the more complex sort I’ll witter about some other time). To make this sort of villain work well it helps for the Big Bad to be integrated into the fabric of the setting.

Sauron is a distant implacable villain, but the history of his presence throughout the world is felt, deeply ingrained and permeates almost everything. He is a part of Middle Earth’s history. He belongs there, and that’s why he works. Further, even if the Big Bad is an implacable alien force, its avatar can still have a human face and the conflict can still be personal. Cthulhu’s priests might want to take over the world, but they can also kidnap and sacrifice the heroine’s boyfriend while they’re at it [3].

I come back to the Terminator, which executes this villain perfectly: the movie is quickly and unswervingly centred around the premise of a time-travelling killer; although the Big Bad is an AI that hasn’t even been built yet, it’s avatar Arnie is both a nigh unstoppable force that cannot be reasoned with and has a human [4] face; and best of all the conflict is made as simple and personal as a conflict can possibly be. Sarah Conner is battling for the fate of the world, true, but what makes the Terminator so visceral is that as far as she’s concerned she’s battling for her own survival. One of them has to die and there’s no other way.

Cardboard Cut-Out Avatar of Some Other Ideology

There’s another variant that I don’t see much in fantasy, which is the Cardboard Cut-Out Avatar of Some Other Ideology. Particularly in genre writing, ideological conflicts (and thus villains) are fairly well represented, but if the story is about ideological differences then its villains are unlikely to manage to stay properly two-dimensional cardboard cut-outs, and nor should they.

Elsewhere the story is different. Anything with Nazis, for example. Robert Redford in The Winter Soldier (and if that’s a spoiler, I don’t care. Psychotic bitch-queen from hell, remember?). I’ll come to more complex ideological villains some other time, but for the simple cardboard ones work The Ideology works much the same way as the Big Bad. You just need it to be an ideology that’s easily recognisable and be prepared to cast it as the Big Bad without much thought.

That’s it for this instalment; but before you go back to Twitter, carry this thought with you. Complex villains might sound great, but 95% [5] of story villains are cardboard cut-outs and FOR GOOD REASON: the stories in which they appear aren’t about them, they’re about the hero or the heroine, and every second of page-time spent turning your villain into something more is page-time you could have spent on the person your story is supposedly about.

This article first appeared on Fantasy Faction back in Autumn last year. The penultimate chapter in Zafir’s story, The Splintered Gods is out in paperback now. The last volume, The Silver Kings will be published by Gollancz in June/July.

Wait, what? I’m supposed to give a book away? I’m not giving away one of mine – you can damn well buy it because I’m worth it. You can have that loser Falkland and his silly civil war stuff if you like, but only if you promise to review it and say pretty things on Amazon and Goodreads and all that. About me, not about him.

Usual deal – comment on this post in some way before Sunday 23^rd March and I’ll randomly select a lucky victim for a free copy of The Royalist. No one has complained (so far) about how long it takes me to get to the post office and post things, but it can take a while and if you live abroad then it can take even longer. Sorry about that, but they do get there eventually. Well, so far. Am currently up to date with posting things.

[1] or food, if your point of view is that of a dragon, but they think that about everyone.

[2] Dear pedants, yes, I realise there is more in what I shall call the secondary material. Writing a lengthy biography of your villain as supplementary material and sticking it on the internet doesn’t count.

[3] For the sake of the story, she’s pissed about this.

[4] ish…

[5] This is a guess but I have a dragon so it’s also right and shut up.

]]> http://www.stephendeas.com/villains-part-one-1532015/feed/ 11 http://www.stephendeas.com/ed-cox-giveaway-and-why-gavin-smith-is-wrong-about-ewoks-1522015/ http://www.stephendeas.com/ed-cox-giveaway-and-why-gavin-smith-is-wrong-about-ewoks-1522015/#comments Sun, 15 Feb 2015 14:51:43 +0000 Stephen http://www.stephendeas.com/?p=4338 Apologies first of all that there wasn’t a giveaway last week, this being on account of an unusually severe attack of the snots. Apologies second of all that this week’s planned article (an insightful interview with the main parties contending the May general election as to their policies for coping with the inevitable eventuality of a major asteroid strike) will now have to be deferred until next week, but there are some things that need to be said about my Elite/Empires co-author Gavin Smith and his recent downright prejudiced comments about ewoks.

I’d like to begin with an extract from Empires – a pair of books which, I should point out, we WROTE TOGETHER[1]

‘What about Ewoks?’ asked Stanton. They were in the back of a V-22 Osprey. Somewhere out there was another Osprey and a pack of angry F/A-18 Hornets there to give shit to any Libyans who decided it wasn’t okay for the United States to send a pack of armed-to-the-teeth Special Forces types into the back-arse of their country without bothering to ask nicely first.

‘We shoot Ewoks,’ said one of the SEALs. As best Roche could tell, both Ospreys were loaded almost with their full complement of twenty-four soldiers and a Growler Fast Attack Vehicle. The Specialist Support Team was in the other Osprey. Roche, Woods, Stanton and Rees found themselves with two squads of SEALs and their lieutenant for company. There was the usual bit of trans-Atlantic ribbing.

‘Ewoks are bad-ass,’ said Woods. Roche raised an eyebrow at that. Woods was the last person he’d imagined having an opinion about Ewoks, one way or the other.

‘Bad-ass?’ The seal laughed. ‘Fucking teddy bears.’ They’d crossed the Libyan coast a while back and no one had tried to shoot them down. This far out over the desert, Roche supposed that no one much cared. There probably wasn’t even any air traffic control coverage. People were starting to relax.

‘Fucking teddy bears who take out AT-STs with rocks and bits of tree,’ said Woods. ‘You see an angry Ewok, you best run, because that Ewok he’s going to go psycho on your arse and send you running home to mama.’

Ewoks are badass. Sorry, Gav, but they just are. Armed with sticks and stones, and with no advance planning whatsoever, they take on the most advanced mechanised infantry in the galaxy and they win.

The argument that the esteemed Mister Smith immediately levels against this is that stormtroopers might indeed, technically speaking, be the most advanced mechanised infantry in the galaxy, but if so that’s because they’re also the only mechanised infantry in the galaxy, and they’re also the most rubbish, the most unable to shoot anything they even remotely try to aim at, and their AT-STs are made of cardboard and old bakolite that’s been left sitting in the Endor sun for far, far too long. Add to that that the ewoks had the advantages both of surprise and of being intimately familiar with the terrain and even a battalion of well trained attack-hamsters could have won.

Maybe so. Poorly armed insurgencies have triumphed against technically far superior enemies in the real world when the advantages of surprise, terrain and incompetence on the part of the opposition have been in play. That puts the ewoks in the same boat as the likes of the Viet Cong and the Mujahadeen, hardly bands of pussycats either of them, but that argument misses the point. Just how rubbish the imperial stormtroopers are really has nothing to do with this.

Let’s have a little think over what actually happens. The ewoks capture Luke, Han, Leia etc. and their natural response is, apparently, to boil the intruders and eat them. Right from the off, it’s quite clear that ewoks, despite appearances, are not in the least bit cute, but in fact are murderously bloodthirsty. They then decide that C3PO is a god, although – and this is important – the point at which they start respecting their new god and doing what it says instead of what they damn well felt like doing is when their new god gets angry and start issuing threats and exhibiting mysterious floating-across-the-room powers. This language of violence is clearly the only language that ewoks understand. Beneath their cuddly exterior, ewoks are anything but.

Driven by their god, the ewoks take up arms against the empire. They have no qualms about this, but embrace it with vigour. No matter how incompetent the imperial stormtroopers might be, no matter how their AT-STs are actually made of cardboard glued together with stormtrooper snot, the ewoks don’t know this when they commit themselves. They are prepared to go up against an enemy with vastly better weaponry, with tanks and speeder bikes and heavy blasters (and, let’s not forget, a fucking great DEATH STAR right there in the sky overhead), and they do this without hesitation. Whether or not the ewoks of Endor are badass for winning that fight, they are absolutely terrifying for committing to it in the first place. They are bloodthirsty murderous zealots who give little to no thought to the preservation either of themselves as individuals or of their families or society. Driven by a god they’ve had for about twelve hours they fight with utter and absolute conviction, heedless of consequence. Maybe badass isn’t a strong enough word for a race of creatures who commit to what is effectively a jihad at the drop of a hat – ewoks are utterly fucking terrifying. And let’s not forget what happens at the end, either. That feast? There is a xylophone-thing made of storm trooper helmets and chest plates, so they clearly stripped the dead, but what, exactly, are they eating? What exactly are they celebrating? The pretty lights in the sky as the Death Star explodes? The victory of the rebellion? I don’t think so. The ewoks aren’t celebrating Freedom, or the death of the Empire. They haven’t the first clue about anything outside of their forest. No, they’re just happy stuffing their little furry faces with roast dead human.

Badass? Ewoks would hunt xenomorphs for fun. That hapless stormtrooper at the start of the teaser for Star Wars VII? He looks that scared because he knows the furry ones are coming.

Anyway . . .

This week’s giveaway is The Relic Guild by Edward Cox. I’ve not read it, but Ed and Gav have both been annoying me on Twitter of late by not agreeing with everything I say, so I thought I’d give one of Ed’s books away and deprive him of a sale. I’m nothing if not petty.

Usual deal – comment on this post before Sunday February 22nd and I’ll randomly select a lucky victim for a free copy. No special game this week, just wave and say hi to enter the draw, although I do encourage you to pitch in on the whole ewok debate or suggest some other alien species that have been sorely mis-represented. No no one has complained (so far) about how long it takes me to get to the post office and post things, but it can take a while and if you live abroad then it can take even longer. Sorry about that, but they do get there eventually. Well, so far. Am currently up to date with posting things.

[1] except for this bit, which I snuck in while Gavin wasn’t looking.

]]> http://www.stephendeas.com/ed-cox-giveaway-and-why-gavin-smith-is-wrong-about-ewoks-1522015/feed/ 18 http://www.stephendeas.com/barricade-by-jon-wallace-2862014/ http://www.stephendeas.com/barricade-by-jon-wallace-2862014/#comments Sat, 28 Jun 2014 16:22:21 +0000 Stephen http://www.stephendeas.com/?p=3701 Declaration of vested interest: Jon Wallace is a Gollancz novelist. Barricade was published earlier this month. We share a publisher (although not an editor) and I was sent a courtesy copy prior to publication.

Declaration of being irritated at willy-waving from my elders and better.

The blurb:

“Kenstibec was genetically engineered to build a new world, but the apocalypse forced a career change. These days he drives a taxi instead. A fast-paced, droll and disturbing novel, BARRICADE is a savage road trip across the dystopian landscape of post-apocalypse Britain; narrated by the cold-blooded yet magnetic antihero, Kenstibec.

Kenstibec is a member of the ‘Ficial’ race, a breed of merciless super-humans. Their war on humanity has left Britain a wasteland, where Ficials hide in barricaded cities, besieged by tribes of human survivors. Originally optimised for construction, Kenstibec earns his keep as a taxi driver, running any Ficial who will pay from one surrounded city to another.

The trips are always eventful, but this will be his toughest yet. His fare is a narcissistic journalist who’s touchy about her luggage. His human guide is constantly plotting to kill him. And that’s just the start of his troubles.

On his journey he encounters ten-foot killer rats, a mutant king with a TV fixation, a drug-crazed army, and even the creator of the Ficial race. He also finds time to uncover a terrible plot to destroy his species for good – and humanity too.”

The set-up then: An apocalypse has happened[1]. Our hero, Kenstibec…

Stop. Let’s get something out in the open before we go any further. Do you have a brain? Yes? Can you turn it off for a while? No? Then we’re probably done here. Barricade is not a challenging or though-provoking story, and where it does provoke thoughts they tended to be dismal ones. Not that being though-provoking is a necessary thing. Thought-provoking Hollywood blockbuster? Yes, sure, they exist, but it’s pretty clear that entertainment doesn’t have to come with any weight to work, either intellectual or emotional, provided it can muster sufficient pace and/or wit, and a sufficiency of big explosions. Fun is fun, and sometimes fun means switching off for a bit from all the serious shit. So it’s not for me to say what’s right to like and not to like, but I can tell you something of where Barricade’s strengths lie and where they don’t. It’s moves. It doesn’t use a long word where a short word will do. It doesn’t offer any kaleidoscopic palette of words, metaphor, imagery, meaning or emotion to either soar or bore. Its prose is sparse and functional and so is everything else. If that sounds sterile then maybe so, but the style fits the story, and much the same could be said of Kenstibec. Some people like Mozart, some people like Ministry, and some people like both, and that’s diversity for you.

The characters then. Most of them are artificial lifeforms. Kenstibec is a construction ‘fical, which means he’s largely emotionless, entirely practical and, aside from occasionally worrying about his Landrover and the state or repair of various structures he sees in passing, unflappable. Wallace uses this to good effect in places to keep the pace up and inject a steady dark humour, largely sourced from bemusement at the irrationality of humanity. Personally I found this appealing enough for most of the book to make up for the lack of warmth or empathy. If you’re the sort of reader who looks for characters to connect with rather than hang out with, I didn’t find Kenstibec had much to offer (and why would he – he’s not human and isn’t supposed to have any) by way of emotional depth. Anyway, the set-up is that Kenstibec works for a soldier ‘ficial Shersult[2], who wants him to take a pleasure ‘ficial from the Edinburgh Barricade to London. This leads pretty quickly into Mad Max territory, with a good dose of World War Z–style zombie apocalypse, except it’s not zombies running about in unthinking hordes and being gunned down in droves, it’s people.

Stop again. Lots of people die. Barricade isn’t particularly graphic in its violence but it’s extremely casual. With the exception of the one human Kenstibec picks up to be his guide (casually shooting his companion with absolutely no apparent consequence or subsequent anguish or resentment on the part of said guide), humans exist to run around, be stupid, show off how fundamentally irrational and all-consuming mob mentality can be, and then die, preferably all of those things in swift succession and often. Homo Sapiens does not come out of Barricade looking at all good, either individually or as a species. It’s a dirty, misanthropic little story really. Being a dirty little misanthrope myself, bombing along in Kenstibec’s passenger seat with all my critical faculties turned firmly off, I rather liked it for that, but that’s a matter of taste. The world is shit. People are shit. In large groups, people are really REALLY shit and also dumb as fuck. The largely emotionless ‘ficials are quite often shit too, on the grounds that that’s the logical and effective response to all the other shit, and also because now and then it affords opportunity for some deadpan humour.

Eventually some plot happens…

No. Stop again. Kenstibec’s pleasure model passenger, Starvie. Starvie is the only significant nominally-female character in Barricade. I say nominally-female because she’s a ‘ficial. The treatment she gets from Kenstibec is shit. The way she treats him in return, later, is shit. Both accept this without much of a blink because the logic is apparent and they have very limited (if any – it’s a bit unclear about this) human feeling. Early on (before they even start their trip) Kenstibec punches Starvie out for the sole reason of making her stop talking. As best I remember it there was no pressing reason to do this, he simply had other things he wanted to do and punching her out was the most efficient route to getting on with them. If your gut-reaction to that lies somewhere around “shrug” or “that’s quite funny”[3] then Barricade’s attitude to casual violence to, from and between its various protagonists may entertain and amuse. If it makes you uncomfortable, Barricade probably isn’t for you. If it instantly rubs something the wrong way about the portrayal of women in fiction[3] then you’d best avoid Barricade. There’s worse to come. Pleasure model, remember?

Anyway, some plot happens and nothing is quite what it seems, and to be honest, I found it was better when the plot *wasn’t* happening. As a closely focused nihilistic fast-paced, dark-humoured brain-turned-off ride through a shitty apocalyptic future of faceless deranged lunatics and vaguely annoyed artificial people, the first half of Barricade works pretty well (if you like that sort of thing). I had it mapped out in my head as a road-movie type story, in which the wry but closed-off protagonists eventually reveal depth and bonding and emotions and all that; but they don’t. Instead some plot arrived that was more than a simple road trip and the focus widened. I found myself having to actually think about what I was reading, trying to work out what was going on, and then it all went a bit downhill and also didn’t make much sense[4], but at the same time it shifted up a gear and charged forward with such devil-take-the-hindmost speed that for some reason all I can liken it to there is Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen [5] [6].

A fun beach read if you like that sort of Mad Max thing, short and snappy, heavily laden with a misanthropic cynicism, but with no shortage of flaws. “fast-paced, droll and disturbing”? Yes, through at least the first half. After that not so much droll. “Savage”? Yes. “cold-blooded yet magnetic” Yes and, er… well… maybe in flashes.

.

.

[1] (the nature of the apocalypse is partly resolved in a series of flashbacks throughout the book, although the greater context is left entirely vague: there seems to have been some sort of global disaster that has affected almost everywhere except Britain for … reasons. Britain has apparently responded to this by building an artificial race of humanoids (the ficals) who apparently come in one of three models: the construction model, the shooting people model and the (privately financed) pleasure model; and then, presumably for some more reasons, we hand over responsibility for the future of humanity to an artificial intelligence of some sort and ask it to please save the planet. Unfortunate consequences ensue. Maybe there’s more explanation to come in the future, but my inner world-builder is looking at Barricade with a “could do a lot better” expression. These events, such as they are, unfold purely through Kenstibec’s eyes, so the only sense of drama, tragedy and emotion is what the the reader can bring to the party. Kenstibec views it all with a rather bewildered “humans, what are you like?” detachment. My inner misanthrope rather enjoyed that. I often feel the same).

[2] (he just does, for reasons again, and you simply have to live with the fact that Barricade offers you next to nothing about how ‘ficial society works or why, except that it seems to be very haphazard. Which actually made more sense by the end than it seemed at the time).

[3] One thing reading Barricade taught me is that the answer can be both of these things at once.

[4] SPOILER ALERT: 1) Where did ten-foot killer rats suddenly come from? 2) Encountering “the creator of the Ficial race” felt like a massive coincidence, which would have been fine until a large chunk of plot subsequently depended on it. SEVERE SPOILER ALERT: 3) If Starvie = Jennifer-E, what the hell was her excuse for being in Edinburgh, and how long had she been there, and didn’t the King of Newcastle notice that she was gone for however long and how did he know where they were, exactly, and oh my, everything to do with that twist was either too clever for me or just didn’t make much sense and was certainly the point at which my suspension of disbelief collected its coat and stomped off to sulk on the doorstep and have a quiet smoke. 4) And then later Kenstibec is unwittingly delivering Starvie to York so she can deliver the “package,” yet Shersult arrives by other means and could clearly have delivered said package himself with greater efficiency

[5] Which was also fun, but dear lord only if you loan your brain to charity for the duration or firmly kill it with beer.

[6] There are no giant robots in Barricade, just in case you were getting your hopes up there.

Good evening and welcome to live coverage of the opening Fantasy World Cup match between Middle Earth and Westeros in Mordor. #fwc2014

The team news is in. #fwc2014

Middle Earth: Smaug in goal; a back three of Thorin, Gandalf, Gimli; Aragorn, Sauron, Legolas in midfield. #fwc2014

The usual strike quartet of Merry, Gamgee, Pippin; Frodo. I fancy Gamgee to play in the hole just behind Frodo tonight. #fwc2014

No surprises in the line-up. Home advantage to the hosts, but a Mordor crowd can be very partisan. #fwc2014

Already a lot of orcs already singing racist chants against Hobbits. FIFFA will have something to say about this after the match. #fwc2014

Westeros: Varys The Spider in goal; The usual Lannister back three of Cersei, Tywin and Jaime. #fwc2014

Stannis Baratheon sitting in the holding role. A midfield four of Oberyn Martell; Sandor “The Hound” Clegane, Jon Snow and Arya Stark. #fwc2014

Oberyn seems to have recovered from those injury fears after his training ground bust-up with Gregor “The Mountain” Clegane. #fwc2014

Hadn’t expected to see the Hound playing tonight, but his partnership with Arya on the wing has been productive of late. #fwc2014

Danaerys Targaryan playing the number ten role as expected; Tyrion Lannister as the lone striker. #fwc2014

No place in the team for Littlefinger tonight, who remains on the bench. Westeros have such a large squad. #fwc2014

Joining our commentary team tonight our guests are the dragon-queen Zafir and Elric Cantona. #fwc2014

Our other guest commentators tonight are Radagast the Brown and the Ghost of Ned Stark. #fwc2014

All the injury news seems to be good tonight. #fwc2014

Middle Earth’s central midfield dynamo Sauron has been declared fit despite a nagging ankle injury. #fwc2014

Manager Jackson restores striker Frodo and wide forward Pippin after both were rested for pre-tournament friendlies. #fwc2014

Gollum remains on the bench. #fwc2014

Westeros have been boosted by the news that Jaime has recovered from losing his hand injury to return to the defence. #fwc2014

Cersei is at right-back in place of the injured Joffrey and the suspended Selmy Barristan. #fwc2014

Arya has also shaken off an injury doubt to start in the midfield, where Snow retains his place ahead of the returning Littlefinger. #fwc2014

This is a true clash of Fantasy heavyweights. Between them, Middle Earth and Westeros have 16 major titles. #fwc2014

Middle Earth – including West Middle Earth – have thirteen World Cups to their name. Westeros can boast three. #fwc2014

What is quite incredible is that Middle Earth have never beaten Westeros in a competitive game. #fwc2014

In the seven meetings that mattered, the Westerosi have won three and drawn four. #fwc2014

It’s reassuring the know that even a nation as mighty as Middle Earth has a bogey team, isn’t it? #fwc2014

Will Middle Earth finally break the hex Westeros have had over them at tournaments, or will the Westerosi prevail? #fwc2014

Middle Earth have played in a semi-final in a major competition 17 times so far, making it to the final on 11 occasions. #fwc2014

They have now won their last fifteen competitive games – an all-time record in Fantasy World Cup history. #fwc2014

Middle Earth have scored in each of their last 20 games (51 goals in total). #fwc2014

Westeros have failed to make it to the finals only in two of the ten tournaments they’ve played. #fwc2014

Six of their last seven goals have come from set-pieces, whereas 11 of Middle Earth’s last 12 have come from open play. #fwc2014

Tonight’s head to head between Middle Earth and Westeros sees two of the new star men go head-to-head. #fwc2014

Sauron’s enduring quality has been a constant theme in recent games. #fwc2014

The 3300-year-old’s passing from a deep-lying midfield position cut the Shanarra eleven to ribbons in their last qualifying game. #fwc2014

Zafir: “His big mace-thing helped a lot there. Added the crunch into those crunching tackles.” #fwc2014

Oberyn Martell operates higher up the pitch, but is no less important as the creative fulcrum of an impressive Westeros side. #fwc2014

Radagast: “Oberyn is an exceptional player, with good ideas. He’s the one who directs the game, so we have to stop him.” #fwc2014

“It’s amazing to see him starting after such a horrific injury. I think most of us thought he’d be out for the rest of the season.” #fwc2014

“We have to think of a way to play better than Westeros and dictate the tempo of the match. It’s a confidence thing.” #fwc2014

Ned Stark: “We’re all fit both mentally and physically. I don’t think we can have any negative thoughts.” #fwc2014

“Except possibly about the Lannisters.” #fwc2014

Zafir: “I rather like the Lannisters. Obviously I’d burn them if I was up against them, but they’re fun to watch.” #fwc2014

The players are led out by captains Gandalf and Tywin. The referee for this one is Loki son of Odin. #fwc2014

A controversial choice there. Some say he’s a Westeros supporter. #fwc2014

Ned Stark: “I wouldn’t be surprised if some Lannister gold has reached his pockets before tonight.”

Gandalf and Tywin each read out a message of support for FIFFA’s Respect Diversity campaign.

Zafir: “Loki was cleared of last year’s corruption charges by FIFFA president Hoofwanking Bunglecunt last year.” #fwc2014

Elric: “Says it all, really.” #fwc2014

Zafir: “I hear the Hoofwanking Bunglecunt might try to run for a fifth term. I do have a dragon, you know.” #fwc2014

Oberyn and Tyrion sharing a joke at Tywin as he speaks. Clearly something amusing! #fwc2014

All very worthy, of course, but all are glad to see the players finally shake hands and get ready for kick-off. #fwc2014

1′ Westeros’s mentally-unhinged front pairing of Danaerys and Tyrion get us underway! #fwc2014

2′ Sauron is screaming for the ball from the edge of the box, but Gimli chooses to cross to Frodo instead. #fwc2014

The ball sails over the striker’s head. As Middle Earth crosses often do. Don’t know why he tried it really. #fwc2014

Can’t remember the last time Middle Earth scored a headed goal. #fwc2014

3′ Tyrion chases after a ball over the top and is judged to have shoved Gandalf in the back as he did so. #fwc2014

4′ A through ball is slipped forward for Tyrion, but Smaug is quick off his line to gather the pass… #fwc2014

… and crushes it. New ball required. I think we’re going to see a lot of that tonight. #fwc2014

5′ Cersei charges into Sauron with a solid challenge that yields the first corner of the match for Middle Earth. #fwc2014

6′ Sauron swings the corner in and it comes to Aragorn on the edge of the six-yard box. He guides it past The Spider…! #fwc2014

Oberyn blocks on the line! The Spider gathers the loose ball! Middle Earth showing how dangerous they are early on. #fwc2014

7′ Pippin goes on a rampaging run down the left channel.

He slaloms through two blue shirts but Cersei is one man too many. #fwc2014

Woman. #fwc2014

Zafir: “I was stuck on rampaging hobbits.” #fwc2014

Loki isn’t happy with that challenge from Cersei. She came flying in with several Kingsguard. #fwc2014

They’re having words. #fwc2014

Elric: “I think she was trying to have him executed. That’s pretty much her standard tactic early on.” #fwc2014

Is that going to be a first yellow card? No. Just a warning. The referee’s going to have to be strong in this match. #fwc2014

8′ Arya is fouled by Pippin in the centre circle. Westeros play it short to get it to Oberyn’s feet. #fwc2014

9′ Played inside by Danaerys and the ball comes to Oberyn again. #fwc2014

The midfielder tries to deceive Gandalf with a drop of the shoulder but the centre-back blocks the shot. #fwc2014

A familiar wag of the finger from Gandalf. “You shall not pass.” #fwc2014

Taking his own advice a little too literally there, as he’s almost caught in possession by Tyrion. #fwc2014

Zafir: “It’s always the same with him. Hang around at the back and lob impossible balls at hobbits.” #fwc2014

“It’s not like he as a single other strategy ever.” #fwc2014

“He’s a good player, but strategically an utter liability.” #fwc2014

10′ Great tackle on Tyrion from Legolas. The Mirkwood player has been one of Middle Earth’s top performers in this tournament. #fwc2014

11′ Legolas tries to float a ball into the box that goes all the way through to The Spider. #fwc2014

Worrying sign for Westeros as Jaime Lannister takes a few seconds to get back to his feet following a challenge. #fwc2014

The midfielder was another injury doubt before the game with a crucial morality problem. #fwc2014

12′ Legolas with an incisive run forward before laying it off to Merry out wide. The low cross comes in… #fwc2014

The Spider spills it! The ball bounces off Tywin and trickles just wide of the post! #fwc2014

13′ Westeros defend Middle Earth’s short corner well enough, but that was another nervy moment early on. #fwc2014

14′ Tyrion draws a foul from Aragorn. #fwc2014

15′ Merry cuts in from the right, works half a yard off Jon Snow and has a pop from range that The Spider beats away two-handed. #fwc2014

16′ A slick turn from Thorin in his own half helps Middle Earth win possession back. #fwc2014

17′ Snow shimmies past Sauron. He shoots from the edge of the box. The ball bounces up in front of Smaug who sets fire to the ball. #fwc2014

Second new ball of the game. #fwc2014

The Ghost of Ned Stark: “Danaerys has been very quiet so fa–” #fwc2014

Danaerys with curling effort from 20 yards that Smaug sees all the way and catches between his teeth. #fwc2014

Another new ball. #fwc2014

19′ Middle Earth’s last seven goals have been scored by seven different players. #fwc2014

20′ GOAL!! Great work from Danaerys as she wriggles between Gimli and Gandalf on the left before a chipped cross. #fwc2014

Smaug was bewildered there by Tyrion in the six yard box. It was the easiest thing in the world for the Imp to head the ball home. #fwc2014

21′ A very rare sight here – Tyrion has a beaming smile and looks ecstatic in his celebration! #fwc2014

Such a marked change from his usual sour expression, but you can see why. That’s a huge goal. #fwc2014

22′ This is the first time Middle Earth have been behind in a competitive game since the infamous Thomas Covenant goal. #fwc2014

24′ Frodo steals half a yard off his marker but is unable to glance his header on target. Good response from Middle Earth. #fwc2014

25′ This may be an appropriate time to remind you that Middle Earth have never beaten Westeros in seven previous attempts. #fwc2014

26′ Great strength from Frodo to hold the ball up and tee up Gamgee for a strike. The Spider gets down to make the save. #fwc2014

Elric: “A great keeper for Westeros. He plays as though he always knows exactly what’s coming. Never flustered.” #fwc2014

28′ Lovely gliding run forward from Samwise Gamgee before he picks out Merry who tries to feed Frodo with a reverse pass. #fwc2014

30′ Merry now has a pop from range himself, but his shot is always swinging away from goal and wide. #fwc2014

31′ Thorin concedes a free-kick for a foul on Tyrion, though it’s difficult to know what referee Loki saw there. #fwc2014

The Lannisters surround the referee. More of a huddle than a confrontation. #fwc2014

Now Gandalf’s getting involved. He’s waving his staff. This might get ugly. #fwc2014

Gandalf gets a yellow card for dissent. I think Loki enjoyed writing his name in the book. Play resumes. #fwc2014

The free kick is a lame effort by Jaime. Smaug watches it past the post. #fwc2014

32′ Tyrion teases Gandalf as he shields the ball from him before being hauled down by his shirt. #fwc2014

Gandalf has to be careful here. #fwc2014

A great performance from the striker so far. #fwc2014

33′ Gamgee sends Thorin scampering away down the right. #fwc2014

He skips the challenge of Jaime before sending in a lovely cross for Pippin that Cersei just reaches before him! #fwc2014

Corner to Middle Earth. #fwc2014

34′ Westeros defend the corner and soon they are on the attack. Lovely control from Danaerys. #fwc2014

She slips the ball into the box for Jon Snow, who tries to turn but is halted by Gandalf. Why didn’t he hit it on the turn? #fwc2014

35′ The ball sits up well enough for Legolas to try his luck. He hits a solid strike on target that The Spider saves well! #fwc2014

36′ Tyrion is onside as he chases a after a long clearance from the Westeros half… #fwc2014

GOAL!! An unerring strike right into the top corner from the edge of the box! Fantastic! Smaug flails. #fwc2014

Classic dragon error. He tried to burn the ball out of the air when a simple parry would probably have done. #fwc2014

Tyrion celebrates his second goal of the game by whipping off his shirt and striking a pose. That’s a booking. Not that he’ll care. #fwc2014

Middle Earth players surround the referee now claiming that not all of the ash crossed the line. #fwc2014

Ned Stark: “Looking at the video replay they might have a point.” #fwc2014

Doesn’t matter. Loki has given it. #fwc2014

Elric: “The video clearly shows the ball bursts into flames well before it crosses the line.” #fwc2014

Zafir: “Does ash still count?” #fwc2014

Still doesn’t matter. Smaug and Sauron are furious but it’s 2-0 Westeros. #fwc2014

39′ Pippin’s control lets him down inside the Westeros box. Middle Earth look rattled. #fwc2014

41′ Tyrion is now Westeros’s joint-highest all-time scorer in this championship, level with Danaerys. #fwc2014

42′ Gandalf kicks the ball out play as Danaerys is on the floor writhing around in pain. #fwc2014

There was some argy-bargy in the box there between Danaerys and Smaug. #fwc2014

The replay shows an exchange of words and then Smaug flattens her with a swat of his tail. Uh-oh. The referee saw it too. #fwc2014

That’s a yellow card for Smaug. The dragon is furious. Incandescent, you might say. #fwc2014

There’s been some off-the-pitch banter on Twitter between Smaug and Danaerys before the match, but that’s no excuse. #fwc2014

Smaug has lost it! Westeros and Middle Earth players fleeing the penalty box. Smaug is breathing fire everywhere. #fwc2014

Danaerys enveloped in flames. Just as well she’s fire-proof. #fwc2014

Smaug smashes the goal. Loki shows the red card. Smaug tries to eat him. #fwc2014

The dragon’s completely lost it. He leaves the pitch at last. Middle Earth down to ten men. #fwc2014

That’s the last thing they need. #fwc2014

44′ Danaerys leaves the field on her feet, and will rejoin play shortly. Middle Earth’s can’t wait for half time. #fwc2014

Loki magics the goal back together. Looks like Gandalf’s going to replace Smaug at least until half time. #fwc2014

45′ Gimli plays the give-and-go down the left. He gets the ball back and crosses it, but The Spider comfortably claims it. #fwc2014

45+1′ Middle Earth win a corner, but The Hound heads it clear as the first defender. #fwc2014

45+2′ Half-time is signalled. Middle Earth go into the break two goals and a man down. #fwc2014

Not many would have predicted that before kick-off, but Tyrion’s brace has got Westeros dreaming. #fwc2014

Plenty to talk about from that first half. Two goals and the sending off. What do you make of that? #fwc2014

Radagast: “Middle Earth have produced some quality moves in the first half but their finishing has been poor.” #fwc2014

Elric: “It’s the same old story. They grandstand. It’s great spectacle, but there doesn’t seem to be the commitment any more.” #fwc2014

Radagast: “Smaug was new to the team and the manager’s brought him in to add something new. But it hasn’t paid off.” #fwc2014

Zafir: “It’s bound to happen sooner or later if you leave a dragon like that without a rider.” #fwc2014

Zafir: “’I and fire, I am death’ is all very well for the pre-match press conference, but what you are now, mate, is sent off.” #fwc2014

Radagast: “Westeros have gone in at half time very happy.” #fwc2014

Ned Stark’s ghost: “Tyrion rocks tonight and he well deserved this show. It’s maybe his star hour tonight.” #fwc2014

Elric: “After everything he’s been through the law of averages owed him a couple of goals. Superb! Tyrion should stay hungry.” #fwc2014

Ned Stark’s ghost: “Westeros are a team with a tendency to implode, but tonight they’ve kept it together admirably.” #fwc2014

Elric: “Do you see any way for Middle Earth to get back into this? Ten men and two goals down?” #fwc2014

Radagast: “Honestly? No.” #fwc2014

Zafir: “Fat chance.” #fwc2014

Ned Stark’s ghost: “I wouldn’t be so sure. Westeros are going to feel comfortable now, and that’s dangerous.” #fwc2014

Ned Stark’s ghost: “They’ll sit back and turn on one another. And you just can’t do that against Middle Earth’s front four.” #fwc2014

Ned Stark’s ghost: “Hobbits are so incredibly dangerous.” #fwc2014

Ned Stark’s ghost: “They’re not much to look at, but Middle Earth are at their best with their backs to the wall.” #fwc2014

The teams return. Looks like Gandalf is staying in goal. Middle Earth sticking to their attacking formation. #fwc2014

It’s going to be fascinating second half. #fwc2014

46′ The second half is underway! #fwc2014

47′ Middle Earth substitutions: Gollum and Bilbo were introduced at half-time for Frodo and Pippin. #fwc2014

Bizarrely Tyrion and Oberyn Martell have been substituted for Westeros. Brienne for Oberyn is a defensive move. #fwc2014

Oberyn is apparently suffering a recurrence of his crushed skull injury. No news on Tyrion. Reek up front? Really? Reek? #fwc2014

48′ Bilbo makes an impact early in the second half, showing good feet to create a chance for himself in the box. #fwc2014

I don’t know what’s been going on in the Westeros dressing room, but that substitution makes no sense. #fwc2014

49′ Bilbo’s pass for Merry on the edge of the box runs behind him to Gimli, who plays a one-two with Merry… #fwc2014

…and sends his sidefooted effort from the edge of the box over the bar! Great start to the second half from Middle Earth. #fwc2014

They are attacking with real purpose. #fwc2014

51′ Problems for Westeros in midfield. The Hound and Arya have tangled. The Hound isn’t getting up. #fwc2014

He was pretty close to Smaug when the dragon went off at the end of the first half. It’s rattled him. #fwc2014

No, he’s not getting up. Westeros use their third substitution and bring on Littlefinger. #fwc2014

54′ Bilbo’s cross is blocked but it runs to Gollum. Gollum goes down, possibly with a Lannister knife in his back. #fwc2014

He’s up again. Only muted appeals and play continues. Referee Loki isn’t interested. #fwc2014

55′ Searing run from Gamgee to the byline and he pulls the ball back for Legolas. #fwc2014

56′ Gollum charges into the area but it’s a well-timed tackle from Stannis that means Westeros only concede a corner. #fwc2014

Despite being down to ten men it’s all Middle Earth at the moment. Reek looking very isolated up front. #fwc2014

59′ Gamgee linking up well with Thorin again down the right. That flank looks like a good source of chances for Middle Earth. #fwc2014

60′ Danaerys has the ball on the corner of the Middle Earth area and she has only one intention. She hits a curling low strike… #fwc2014

…great save from Gandalf. Danaerys is looking sharper than she did in the first half. She’s a real threat. #fwc2014

61′ Stannis goes into the referee’s book for a foul on Merry. The free-kick is in a central area, about 25 yards from goal. #fwc2014

Sauron, Gamgee and Bilbo all fancy taking this. #fwc2014

62′ It will be Sauron to strike. Plenty of dip and bend on it as it head for the top corner, but The Spider saves well! #fwc2014

63′ Jaime Lannister on a meandering run out of defence. He’s… #fwc2014

Well. #fwc2014

I don’t know what happened there. #fwc2014

Thorin kicks the ball out of play. There are three Westeros players down. A misunderstanding between Jaime and Jon Snow. #fwc2014

Snow takes the worse of it. Then bizarrely Jaime spins out of the collision and smacks into Danaerys. She goes down and… #fwc2014

Did he tread on her head? He did! That looks more like a stamp. Westeros with some serious problems here. #fwc2014

Jaime is on his feet again. Dirty looks from Jon Snow, who is also up, but they’re having to bring on the stretcher for Danaerys. #fwc2014

Westeros have used all three substitutions already. If she can’t continue, they’re down to ten men too. #fwc2014

Wait! Snow is limping off! Looks like he can’t continue either! #fwc2014

Is he faking it? #fwc2014

Westeros have always had a discipline issue and tensions in the team, but what a time to implode! #fwc2014

65′ Reek tries to catch Gandalf off his guard with an effort on goal. it’s an easy catch for the keeper in the end. #fwc2014

67′ Littlefinger and Arya exchange incisive passes and Arya fires wide! That would have surely been curtains for Middle Earth! #fwc2014

Despite being down to nine men – entirely of their own making – Westeros are still dominating the midfield. #fwc2014

69′ Another collision between two Westerosi, this time Littlefinger and Cersei. #fwc2014

Middle Earth put the ball out of play so that Cersei can receive treatment. That has not gone down well with the crowd. #fwc2014

71′ Middle Earth substitution: Tauriel repalces Thorin. #fwc2014

72′ Both teams have now used all three of their substitutions. #fwc2014

73′ Gandalf is closed down as he tries to make a clearance and is rattled into making an error! #fwc2014

Arya twists and turns to leave Gandalf flat on his back before firing a low strike inches wide of the far post! #fwc2014

Brienne was screaming for the square pass but Arya went for glory. #fwc2014

75′ Gollum wins a corner. Every set piece not converted now will start to sap the belief from the Middle Earth team. #fwc2014

76′ Aragorn heads wide. He looks wholly disappointed with himself as he trots back to his own half. #fwc2014

78′ Great tackle from Arya as Gollum was preparing to surge into the Westeros box. #fwc2014

79′ Lovely pass from Brienne to send Arya away down the left. The midfielder hooks the ball into the box but Gandalf intercepts. #fwc2014

81′ The Westeros penalty box looks very chopped up. A consequence of Smaug’s first half rampage. #fwc2014

The game is really opening up now. 10 v. 9 and both sides are looking desperate. Several Westeros players carrying injuries now. #fwc2014

82′ Sauron’s cross is headed away by Stannis and in the blink of an eye Littlefinger is clean through on goal! #fwc2014

As two despairing dwarves dive in he shoots into the side netting! #fwc2014

Gandalf lumps the ball forward to Middle Earth’s attacking line. Whatever subtlety they once had is long gone. #fwc2014

That’s just what he does. Never mind the midfield. Always the same long ball to the hobbit front line and hope for the best. #fwc2014

They could do with playing it through the middle of the pitch more. Their play has become a bit one-dimensional. #fwc2014

The Middle Earth midfield looked like a second bank of defenders for most of the first half. They don’t look it now. #fwc2014

84′ Arya is booked for a foul on Gollum. #fwc2014

85′ Quick one-two inside the Westeros box and Bilbo has the ball right in front of goal… #fwc2014

Another excellent tackle from Cersei! She punches Gollum in delight at her great piece of defence! #fwc2014

Jaime brings down Merry right on the edge of the box. Straight into Loki’s book. Yellow card. #fwc2014

Middle Earth are screaming for him to be sent off but he survives. A nod from Tywin there: “well done, my son.” #fwc2014

Ooof. Sauron takes the free kick and blasts the ball straight into the wall and straight into Arya. #fwc2014

Cersei clears, but the Westeros winger is down. That was some strike by Sauron. Loki is inspecting the ball. #fwc2014

Another new ball needed. #fwc2014

Tywin is having a word with the referee and the fourth official. The fourth official looks a lot bigger than I remember. #fwc2014

Westeros are trying to bring on another substitiute! Sansa for Arya! That’s a fourth substitute! They can’t do that! #fwc2014

The referee hasn’t noticed. That or he doesn’t care. #fwc2014

Middle Earth players surround Loki . . . Whoa! Sauron just picked Loki up and choke-slammed him. #fwc2014

Middle Earth are all over the fourth official . . . I thought the fourth official was a bit bigger – isn’t that the Mountain? #fwc2014

Tywin Lannister giving himself an insurance policy. This will sour the win, if Westeros hang in there. #fwc2014

Loki’s back on his feet. He’s realised his mistake now. He’s waving Sansa off the pitch. She won’t be allowed to play. #fwc2014

Straight red card for Sauron for violent conduct. Off the pitch both sets of substitutes are laying into each other. #fwc2014

The Mountain is down, swarmed by dwarves. Possibly they’re trying to build a new kingdom inside him. #fwc2014

Arwen pushes Sansa and Sansa’s not taking that. The officials need to break this up. #fwc2014

89′ On the pitch Tywin goes into the book, but he won’t mind one jot. Only injury time stands between Westeros and a win now. #fwc2014

90′ Gandalf comes up for a Middle Earth corner, but runs back to his own goal after a shot flies wide of The Spider’s goal. #fwc2014

90+1′ We are in the first of four minutes of added time. #fwc2014

90+2′ PENALTY!! Cersei handles inside the box under pressure from Gollum! A lifeline for Middle Earth! Gollum to take it… #fwc2014

90+2′ GOAL!! Gollum only takes a one-step run-up, but his penalty is good enough to fly out of the diving The Spider’s reach! #fwc2014

2-1. They can’t, can they? #fwc2014

90+3′ Gandalf is now stationed in the centre circle as Middle Earth lay siege to the Westeros goal. #fwc2014

Middle Earth playing a 1-2-6 formation now! #fwc2014

Aragorn is booked for a barge on Tywin. Westeros can breathe again. #fwc2014

90+5′ Gandalf charges up for one final free-kick by the halfway line, but Middle Earth play it short! #fwc2014

By the time it’s sent into the box the final whistle has been blown! Westeros WIN! #fwc2014

Well, that was quite incredible. Westeros worthy winners on the night, with Tyrion their two-goal hero. #fwc2014

They played well in the first half and deserved their half-time lead. But the news is all going to be about the second half. #fwc2014

Lots of controversy there, but lets not forget that Westeros were 2-0 up before Smaug was sent off. #fwc2014

Westeros team has been decimated. Looks like most of their best players will be out for the next match. Last thoughts? #fwc2014

Ned Stark: “Typical Lannister defensive strategy in the second half. Bugger up everything even if you don’t need to.” #fwc2014

Radagast: “Middle Earth will need to re-think their strategy. They have the players but they need way more depth.” #fwc2014

Elric: “Both teams gave us a full exhibition of both their strengths and their weaknesses.” #fwc2014

Zafir: “A marvel of destructive play by Westeros. I look forward to playing them. What’s left of them.” #fwc2014

And that concludes our commentary for tonight. #fwc2014

Usually I skip on to the free book about here. If that’s what you want to do then that’s find – scroll down past the cover art picture and you can skip to the end, but for the rest of this post I’m going to digress and rant a bit about top-ten lists and the difference between ignorance and bigotry, and it’s going to start with my own top-ten list of the greatest explorers of all time. Here goes (in no particular order):

• Christopher Columbus
• Marco Polo
• Vasco Da Gama
• Ferdinand Magellan
• Yuri Gagarin
• Captain James Cook
• David Livingstone
• Ernest Shackleton
• Alexander von Humboldt
• Jacques Cousteau

This is a pretty crappy list in many ways. After I wrote it I had a look to see what the internet had to offer, which made me feel a bit better. Anyone who has a clue would doubtless squeal over various omissions (Sir John Cabot? Sir Francis Drake?). Cousteau and Gagarin maybe show a little more lateral thinking than than most (smug smug smugity smug), or possibly a desperation to get to ten . Yes, doubtless you could critique this top-ten list of explorers from her to Sunday, but let’s just go in for the kill and point out that every single one of them is white and male. I did try (carefully without doing any research) to think of any explorers I knew to break that mold, and I couldn’t (I think Amelia Earhart was the best I came up with). I had a lot of trouble coming up with ten at all. I was struggling after five or six.

I submit that the absence on this list of any explorers who aren’t white stems from a considerable ignorance on my part rather than bigotry, at least on a personal level (one could argue ignorance stemming from systemic social bias and thus a passive bigotry). I made this list to make a point, although it really is the best I could come up without help. I’m quite certain there are explorers from Asia, India, the Middle East and Africa who contributed massively to their cultures. I’m quite sure that if I had bothered to do any research then I would have found out about them. I’m quite sure I would have found their stories fascinating and talked about them. I’m quite sure that if anyone were to look at my list of explorers and point out how Euro-centric it is and then pointed out some alternatives, I’d go and find out about them. I’m interested. I want to know more. I’m not as ignorant as it’s possible to be but I know there’s vastly more out there than I’ve discovered. So if you read my list and find it offends you with its monochrome, you could suppose it’s simply ignorance on my part and try to educate me, and I’d like that very much. The likely consequence is that I will have respect for your opinions and values. I might listen to what you have to say in arguments about things other than explorers with a desire to be sympathetic to your point of view. Or you could tell me how bigoted it is and get in my face about it and very all your friends and make me feel stupid and a jerk. You could suggest I did no research and don’t know what I’m talking about (and you’d be correct). You could tell me I’m an ignorant dick. You could do that. I don’t think I’ll be having much respect for your opinions and values if you do.

You realise that the bedrock of bigotry is ignorance, right? You realise that taking that ignorance and educating it makes a mind more open than closed, right? You realise that yelling “stupid” does the opposite, right?

So my plea to anyone who’s still reading is this: the next time anyone posts anything on the internet (say, for example, their best SFF releases of 2014, just by way of something that might come around at some point), and it turns out to be full of white dudes, or otherwise excludes a large section of thought or society, grit your teeth and swear quietly in a corner and teach rather than torment. Pretty please?

OK. Done now. Thank you for listening. This week’s giveaway book is a signed hardcover copy of The Thief-Taker’s Apprentice.

Usual deal – comment on this post before May 11th and I’ll randomly select a lucky victim for a free copy. In addition, if anyone wants to play, I’m going to give away a an Angry Dragons T-shirt for the most interesting explorer anyone can point me at who isn’t a white dude. You can enter as may times as you like and I’ll count the first two entries – the rest are just for fun and showing off.

Although, though no one has yet complained about how long it takes me to get to the post office and post things, it can take a while and if you live abroad then it can take even longer. Sorry about that, but they do get there eventually. Well, so far. I am currently very behind so if you’re waiting for a book from a previous giveaway then, er, sorry. They’re packaged up now and should go in the post today.