Ars Draconis (13/1/2009)

I don’t remember how we got here. First Reader thought Ars Draconis might be a good title for book seven or maybe eight. Or maybe nine. Or maybe it was just me. Anyway, Ars Draconis so obvious that someone was bound to have used it already, I thought. I’d Google it, find it used a dozen times already, and that would be that.

But no. As far as I can tell, it’s a free title. Virgin. Up for grabs and going begging. Amazon has no knowledge of any such title.

Still, I thought I’d better go and have a look at the top of the Google list

Whoa. Hermetic dragon magic shit. Not for the novice magician! “As a cautionary word of warning: This Work is NOT for a new practitioner. I advise that the new practitioner seek education and experience that way they can call upon the Dragons with the NECESSARY experience and confidence.”

I have to admit, this is not what I expected. And I strictly ought to raise my hand at this point and say ‘yes sir, when it comes to real Order-of-the-Silver-Twilight etc. magic, new practitioner would describe me very well’ and meekly head off somewhere less intimidating.

Well screw that, thinks I. When it comes to the dragons, I am the arch-mage. I conjour with tooth and claw and fire and scale on a whim. Summoning the full force of my draconic power around me, I entered and had a good look around, and so far I don’t seem to have suffered any undue mental trauma. The craftsmanship of the poetry leaves something to be desired. I think I can safely say that (force and Earth do not even pretend to rhyme, dammit!)

No. What got me were the adverts in the banner:

- ‘Yin Yang symbols – thinking of buying’ (no, not really, but it’s in keeping with the theme of the site).

- ‘Children’s Lights’ Er… but a moment ago you were telling me how to summon the powers of the elder dragons.LO! Come to my mighty fortress of power where I shall initiate ye in the awesome power of the elder dragons and sell you lampshades.

- ‘Free Magic Spells: Whatever you need, my powerful spells can help. All free.’ Hmmm. Well if I could do magic that actually worked, you can be damn sure I’d be charging a fistful for it, but OK, at least we’re back in character.

And finally my favourite, because it caught me out at the first take: ‘Compare energy prices.’ Wow, I thought. Twenty-first century or what? Are we piping in psychic energy from India via Khazakhstan now? Pitching that against a little Voodoo juju zapped in from Haiti? Is that what it means? Is there a free market in Reiki sendings now? In which case, do they operate a money-back policy? Maybe now we’re mining latent Atlantean energies from the North Sea… Suddenly the world is filled with possibilities.

Sadly no. The small print makes it clear. ‘Compare UK gas and energy prices.’

Dammit, I liked my advert better.

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